Moving to London

To start off this post, I want to say that I will be trying a methodology of reflection (learned in class) called "Driscoll's What Model". It encompasses three parts outlining a reflective practice using these three key parts:

1)What: outlining the experience and what you are reflecting on.

2) So what: reflecting on the experience, and what you have learned as a result.

3) Now what: how you will use what you have learned in the future, and future practices.

My professor, Lisa, recommended we try one of these models in our reflective blog, so I will try using Driscoll's today!

1)What?

Today marks my fifth day of living in London. I have been quarantined the entire time, except for brief moments where I was allowed outside to get my covid test. Overall, it's been fairly smooth after arrival. I've only had menial tasks to complete throughout the day such as ordering items for the year (hangers, shampoo, dishes, etc.) and cleaning the apartment to be fit for living!

It feels like my entire experience moving to London was a blur. To be honest, ever since I applied and started school, I was extremely looking forward to coming to London. However, after the stress of looking for an apartment and not knowing when my visa would come in it became more and more stressful. From cancelling my reserved apartment, looking for a new one, paying for an expedited ticket, and buying my ticket for london on the day I received a negative covid test, it all accumulated to feel like a lump of uncertainty and stress over my head. It felt like I had no time to enjoy the process of learning, but to really stick my head in and consistently research so that I would be able to get there safely with no issues. I knew that there were several things to be thankful for with this opportunity to begin with, but what was difficult was not the events that unfolded, but the uncertainty that came with everything.

I definitely think my stress was not just one, but several factors that were outside my control, and with no definite answers. Not to mention my low immune system in which I got extremely sick on the days before our flight, or the added 12 recorded lectures that I suddenly had to watch (as they were missing then uploaded) within the few weeks. I definitely don't feel like I blame my school or people. I think because covid is so uncertain it just made me feel stressed about managing my expectations for myself. I think I felt like I was catching up to everything, and wasn't in full control of my work. I didn't feel sad, but I just wished there were concrete answers to my situation. Basically, I just had to wait.

2) So what?

Thankfully, I am in London now! And thankfully, there were no issues with immigration and we (my boyfriend and I) are both covid free! The only things left on my mind are our required covid tests, finding an apartment for when my contract ends, and changing my short term student visa into the visa that will allow me to do a work placement in the future.

I think that this entire experience taught me an extremity of things that I would have otherwise never known. The first is that no matter how much you want to be in control of what happens in your life, there are several things that you won't be able to control, and therefore just have to accept.

It truly felt like covid-19 was telling me that although I really want to exercise control over each aspect of my life, it is important to have the emotional capacity and willingness to let go and accept different situations. Although I considered myself a semi-flexible person, I realized, through this entire covid-19 experience, that I am in fact not. I have a really hard time letting go to just accept and take things one step at a time.

Being able to be calm and accept situations and look forward to the next step rather than mulling over what they cannot control is an important skill a reliable leader should have. Although I'm still in the process of truly letting go, I have significantly improved my way of understanding situations in the world and how I personally handle them.

I am also reminded that I am not alone. This situation itself is something I presume some of my peers have also gone through, and because of that I understand that there is a community that is ready to listen and empathize with me. I am grateful that I am not alone, and I have a support system throughout this process, such as my boyfriend, my best friends, and loved ones. The world is extremely chaotic in several places, and to say that my worst stress was a visa while people are suffering weather changes, disease changes, housing crisis, war, famine, etc. is a privilege and something that put in perspective, may seem small.

There is a quote in the Bible that says "It is more difficult for a rich man to enter heaven than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle". I am consistently reminded of this quote as I realize (even while typing this) that I have been blinded by my privilege throughout this entire process. Although each person's suffering and ability to endure pain is subjective, I think getting lost in my own suffering, without being able to put it contextually, or being able to be strong and positive for my community, is something that I definitely have not thought of and have recognized now. I could have been stronger, and could have been more positive, but I chose to mull in my own negative feelings and stress.

This isn't to discount the suffering and stress I endured. But I think that during the time of uncertainty, I chose to look at my difficulties, rather than be thankful for them. This is something that I have a hard time of understanding and conceptualizing. At what point is suffering too much or too little? Would I be able to be grateful and positive in all circumstances? And, if it was framed in a way I understood, would it be easier to be positive?

Covid-19 has been filled with so many uncertainties. The most amazing part of this entire experience was that I learned not only to be more grateful, more giving, more forgiving, and more open minded, but that humans have a harder time with the unexpected. Perhaps this is an area to be explored more in psychology.

3) Now what?

I told myself several times while going through this process that moving to London is a privilege and I should be grateful. But no matter how many times I spoke the words in my head, it feels completely different from actually acknowledging and feeling the gratefulness deeply.

This exercise of using Driscoll's "Now What" model has actually been really useful and a nice way for me to outlay my thoughts in a more organized and proactive manner. I'm actually surprised by what I have learned about myself through it, and plan to use it accordingly for my next blog posts.

Now, I want to be grateful. Not telling myself that I should be grateful, or feeling glum about uncertainty while being grateful, but truly deep down thankful and grateful.

I think what I will work on as I transition into my new home here in London, is to truly deeply look within myself to feel the gratefulness, and to allow myself to experience with less expectations for organization. As things fall together in its own mulled creative art piece, I want to feel a part of that piece and feel grateful.

That's what there is to do for now. Plus doing my best on my classes!